God, I don’t know what you’re doing.
I feel lonely and out of place sometimes.
I am battling chronic illness. Why this, why me, at 24?
I know you’re good. I know you have a purpose. But really? I just don’t get this.
Sometimes I’m like, “Oh it’s okay, I trust you God, I know you’ve got this all worked out.”
And other times, I’m like “How long? Really, what is being accomplished here? What is the purpose of all this pain? I just feel like I am wasting time.”
But I know. I know you’re not wasting time.
After all, you are the Master of time. And you can restore the years the locusts have eaten.
I am afraid of losing the “good” or sweet things in life.
I am afraid that any sweetness must be mingled with pain. Or that the sweetness will be taken away. Because my brain tells me that this is the way it’s always been. Happiness and joy cannot be tasted apart from suffering.
Even if this is true, God, I want to be able to savor the beautiful moments and not waste them on anxiety about the pain I may experience. Because then even the sweet moments in life turn sour as they are spent on worry.
I am trying so hard to improve my health, yet the healing process is so slow. Thank you for the progress I do see from time to time, even if it seems that it’s sometimes followed by a step or two back.
I just want this Christmas season to be one of quiet, peace, thankfulness, joy, low or no anxiety. Complete trust and wonder and awe in who you are and the gift you were and are to the world.
I want to savor the food I can eat.
The friendships I do have.
The love I have received.
I want to remember that no other man or woman or spirit or circumstance controls my life. You alone do. You are my true King, Father, Brother, Friend, Protector, Advocate, Shield, Guide, Companion, and Counselor. No one can replace you in these roles or override your will for my life.
And you guide the hearts of kings as channels of water.
No circumstance or person can keep me from becoming who you want me to be.
Let no one and no circumstance have the power to steal my joy, peace, trust, faith, confidence in You, or my hope in You and hope for the future.
You are not baffled by any situation. You are not scratching Your head over how you should solve my life’s puzzle. You are the puzzlemaster, and you already know how all the pieces fit.
I cannot see the map. But you can. You know the next step. Where that bend in the road leads.
I cannot see any further than the bend. And the bend is scary, because it represents the unknown. The things obviously beyond my control and reach and knowledge.
But not beyond Yours.
Fear will not consume me.
Let the fear and anxiety passed down to me and living in me not pass to my children. Let it stop here.
Like the balrog of Moria who was forbidden from passing the bridge and causing harm to anyone else, let this fear be slain and thrown into the depths of the earth, never to return.
Let it be fought and defeated on the mountaintop, and replaced with unflinching trust and peace – for me and for any who might come after me.
Let the hurt I experience from others not tear me down. (Help me with this!) Give me the wisdom to sift and see what I need to see, learn what I need to learn, and let the rest go down the drain.
Show me your face, Jesus. I want to see your face. To rest in the light of your countenance. The gentleness of your love.
It’s warm. Your love. Your light. It’s glorious beyond compare. It’s like a shield. When I am resting in it, nothing can touch me. The evil may look on and see me. It may desire to devour me. But it cannot lay a finger on me as I rest and lie peacefully in Your presence.
I want to keep my eyes fixed on You.
Not on the waves.
Not on other people.
Not on the circumstances of life – financial problems, health problems, relationship problems.
Not on the world around me, or the world’s problems.
I want to stop and look at the suffering only just enough to spread Your love and touch lives where I can, but then quickly turn my face back to You. I was not meant to carry the weight of my own pain, much less the pain of others.
Let me be quick to hand others’ suffering to You. Let me not absorb it as my own.
Let me care, but cast all cares on You.
Your yoke is easy and your burden is light.
Let me not place extra burdens on others, nor accept the burdens others might try to place on me.
I am enough.
Because You are enough. And you live in me.
Sing your song over me, and over my readers. Your love song. Your song of delight. Breathe life into us, Jesus. Holy Spirit, meet us here.
Consume us with Your presence, so that we can no longer be consumed by fear, anxiety, self-worship, idolatry, greed, jealousy, envy, hatred, pride, or shame.
Wrap us in your blanket of love and protection.
Help us to remember that we have nothing and no one to fear, for you are the Lord of all. You see all things, and will make all things right one day.
We are yours. You will pick up the ball where others have dropped it. You will redeem all the things that others meant for harm or didn’t think through.
Thank you for suffering in our place. Dying in our place. And for letting us be raised with You.
You have conquered the world, and we are now one with You, the Conqueror.
❤ – The Bleeding Blogger